Our Baby Boys.....

Oh how the years go by, Oh how time can certainly fly. From once just a thought in far away dreams, now into my arms and in my eyes gleam the presence of you. Your laughter and smiles which go on for miles, warms my heart and soul. You're growing up so fast, as I wish each moment with you to last forever. My little boy will someday be a man and right by your side I will forever stand. I will pick up the pieces when you fall, I will hold your hand and help you stand tall. And when the day comes when you are on your own, never feel that you are alone. No matter how near or far apart I am always right there in your heart. Always remember whatever you go through that no matter what, I will always love you.

2 days til Christmas

I haven't posted in over a week! Wow, that's awful. As usual, we've been trying to do the Christmas shopping because like we do EVERY year, we've waited until the last possible minute to buy gifts! LOL We finished it up this past weekend. Thank goodness. And let me just say that the Grapevine Mills mall and Bass Pro Shop were TOTAL CHAOS!!! I couldn't believe how crazy it was. But, it's all done and the presents are wrapped and under the tree now. The boys have been eagerly trying to figure out what each box holds. It's funny because you can overhear conversations between them like "If you'll rip open that end, I'll look and see what it is!" Hilarious considering they're 2 and 5! They shouldn't be so well-organized yet! LOL The only thing left to do is making the cookies for Santa. We always do that on Christmas Eve. Once, that's done, we're set! YEA!!! I have so many emotions this year. I'm super excited because the boys are both so into the whole Santa thing. Of course, I got an early present and it was a GORGEOUS strawberry sapphire and diamond ring! That helped bring a smile to my face. We're in our new home and that's a gift in itself. But, I can't help but feeling that lonliness for my brother. Dangit, I'm still so upset with him. Last year at this time, I couldn't wait for him to be home so his son and my sons could spend Christmas together this year. However, that just wasn't in the cards. It's been 19 days since that night. It's been 21 days since I've talked to him. I'm emotional. But, I'm trying so hard to be strong. This was all his doing. This was his deal. He knew what his actions might bring. And he chose that path anyways. I tell myself that everyday and it still hasn't brought me any comfort. Oh goodness, I could go on and on. I'm not. I love you, Dallas. I think about you daily. I'll miss you Christmas day, little brother. And I'm sorry this is what your life has become. But, I'm going to enjoy Christmas day with my husband and babies. Just know that I'm thinking of you......

Brandon's Christmas Party

We had Brandon's company Christmas party over the weekend. It was really fun. It was Mardi Gras theme so they had the jesters on stilts who were juggling. Of course, there was a ton of beads. They had a casino set up so we could gamble. We had alot of fun. It was nice getting to do something to take my mind of the last week's worth of events. The best part of the night was winning a $200 gift certificate to Bass Pro Shops! Brae has been wanting for him and his daddy to get fishing poles so they could go fishing. We can get those free now! LOL Brandon was super excited about winning that. I was so happy for him. All in all, it was a wonderful night.

"Letting Go"

My best friend shared this with me a while back. I think I've been reading this nearly everyday for the last week. I just wanted to share it.

Letting Go

Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their
own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and
correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

Finally Winter!

Well, tonight finally feels like winter! I have lived here in North Texas since November 2007 and I haven't felt like we've had any kind of a winter since then. We had a fireplace in our apartment that we never even got to light because it was never cold enough. The temperature dropped drastically tonight and it even sleeted a little while! YEA! So, Brandon got a roaring fire started in the new fireplace and started a pot of chili. By the time I got home, he had turned on all the Christmas lights and put a pan of cornbread in the oven. YUMMY! I have felt so homey and cozy this evening. I am loving it! It finally feels like Christmas to me. Thanks Babe!

Emotions

I was an emotional basketcase on Friday. I would go from angry to crying at the drop of a hat. It wasn't pretty. Then Saturday, I was pretty much a complete grouch. Brandon tried everything to make me smile. He bought me some new socks with chihuahuas on them because we have 2. Then he took me and the boys to a Christmas carnival. I was still Scrooge. I tried. I really did. But by Sunday, all I wanted was to talk to my brother. I just wanted a chance to hear his side. He knows me well. He knew I would be super angry for a few days then I'd calm down and want to talk to him. So, at 2:19 on Sunday afternoon, the phone rang. It was him. I was relieved, excited, sad, happy....everything all at once. The operator on the phone starts talking to me trying to explain how to either accept or deny the collect call. I listened attentively and couldn't understand the plain English he was speaking! I finally just took a guess and pressed #2. I waited for us to be connected. Then the phone clicked off. WHAT?! I guess in all my emotions, I didn't really pay attention too great. I called my grandmother just bawling. She told me that I needed to press zero. She assured me that when he called her she would let him know to try me again. I waited by the phone all afternoon and most of the night until 10:30pm. But, I never got another phone call from baby brother. I felt like I had really let him down. Can you believe that? After everything that's happened, I felt like I had betrayed him. Crazy. But I was so afraid that he would think I had denied that call. I talked to my aunt this morning and she told me she talked to him last night. She told him what happened and he promised that he'd call me again tonight. Tonight amid supper, homework, baths, and bedtime, I will be carrying the house phone around on my hip so I won't miss his call. And this time I will press zero.....

A Letter

My Dearest,

You won't ever read this. You'll probably never even get the chance. I have to write it anyways. I have so much in my head and heart right now. I have to get it out or I'm going to explode. Why? Why did you go back to the ONE thing that was your weakness? You do not have control of it. It has control of you. It always has. Damn, why didn't you ever see that? We all saw it. We all understood it completely. What was so hard about you understanding it? I want to punch you in the face. I want to scream at you until my throat hurts. But more than anything, I want to hug you. I am guessing that you'll be gone for 10 or 15 years this time. Damnit, what were you thinking? WHAT? How could that lifestyle be so great that you'd risk losing everything for the 2nd time? I know that I should be thankful. You could be dead. Someone could've shot you over something stupid. You could've done too much. I should be thankful. I should be greatful that I will still have your letters to look forward to and that I can write you whenever I get the urge. If you were dead, I wouldn't be able to do that, would I? I can't lie. I don't feel that thankful. I don't feel too much of anything right now except anger and rage and disappointment. You could've done anything. You know that right? You had the support and love of your family. You have an awesome son. What about your son? What do we tell him now? He has enjoyed having his daddy in his life these last few months. Now what? How do we tell him the daddy won't be here for Christmas? Or for his next birthday for probably 10 years? Damn, do you even realize he'll be out of high school before you come home? You are going to miss EVERYTHING he does. His football, basketball, prom, girlfriends, first car. Oh, I just want to slap your face. I want to shake you until you understand. But, I don't even think that's going to make you see the big picture. You didn't have a dad. How did you feel about that? I never had a mom. And when I had kids, the one thing I promised myself was to be the mom I never had. You should've thought about that. You should've thought about the fact that your actions were going to affect so many more people than YOU. It's not always about YOU. It's about your son. It's about your sister, your grandmother, your aunt, your cousins, your family. Remember those people that cried for you, wrote you letters and cards, and came to see you on the weekends? Remember? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. I haven't seen you since August 2nd. I miss you. I've been missing you for 4 months now. I knew. I knew exactly what was wrong with you. When I did call you, all you did was tell me another lie about how "great" things were going. How you were working when you really weren't. How your life was grand. I knew it wasn't. I'm your sister. I can tell. I knew. You couldn't lie worth a crap when we were younger and you still can't. I sent you those texts begging you to just stop and walk away. You always replied, "Stop What, Sis?" Damnit. Why didn't you just stop? Things could've been different. But, what's done is done. I know there's no use in crying over spilled milk. I know that you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. You can't make someone a better person. I already know all this. However, that sure doesn't make my heart feel better. That doesn't take away this anger or sadness. My head is pounding. I will have to talk to your son's mother. She needs to get him prepared. Prepared?! Yeah, right. How do you prepare a 7 year old for something like this? Especially when that 7 year old worships the very ground his daddy walks on. I have to help him. I will be the best aunt in the world. And no, that won't take the place of his father. Nobody could ever replace "daddy." But, maybe that'll help him just a little bit. I love you. I have never stopped loving you. And as angry as I am right now, I still want to hug you. I want to tell you bye. I can't. I won't be able to hug you for many years. I guess this is just one of life's injustices. I should go. I have ranted and raved for long enough. Keep your head up. I love you.

Santa pics

I just wanted to share these two pictures. I love the one with Brandon and the boys. And I had to post the one of the boys and Britt with Santa Clause. Brax just wasn't enjoying it all. He didn't want any part of Santa! LOL I don't know how many people have already finished their Christmas shopping. But, if this makes anyone feel better, Brandon and I have not purchased one thing! It seems like we do this every year. And every year after Christmas, we vow to never wait til the last minute again. Here it is Dec. 4th and not one present is under the tree. Ugh! I told Brandon this morning we had to get on it. So, I bet this weekend, we will be out shopping! Wish us luck.....

Opps!

Okay, so last night, Brandon and his mom started going back to them gym. He picked up the boys from school and had everything cooked and done and ready to go when I got home so that I could do homework, baths, and put the boys to bed while they worked out. And it was the perfect plan! That way he gets time with them in the evenings and can still workout. Brandon is an AVID exercise person. If he's not at the gym everyday, he gets very hard to live with! LOL He normally works out from 4 to 6 in the afternoons. But his mother got a membership and so she wants a gym partner. But she doesn't get home in the evenings until around 6 so we all had to come up with a "plan." After much deliberation, we worked out the perfect idea. So, I got home around 6:15 and Sonya and Brandon were ready to go. All I had to do was help make some ornaments with Brae, then baths, and finally bed. We finished the ornaments without any major problems. Brae wanted to watch TV in his room. I put on a movie for him and his brother followed because he does whatever "Way Way" does! (Thats what Brax calls Brae.) I decided I'd watch a little TV myself. I sat down about 7:30 and started watching "Juno." The next thing I know, Brandon and Sonya come walking in the door! It was 8:45! I had watched nearly the entire movie and Brae and Brax had let me! OH NO! I hadn't even given the boys a bath. And I am a stickler for bedtime. They are always in bed by 8 with lights out at 8:30. Brandon was like, "Did you give the boys a bath?" I snickered and said, "Um, sort of." Brae yells from his room, "NO Daddy! We didn't even have a bath!" Busted! So, I rush around trying to give them the fastest bath in history and get them into bed. Of course, the boys are trying to make it as hard as possible...imagine that! LOL So, at 9:20, they are bathed, dressed, teeth brushed, and lying in their beds. Whew! Talk about majorly blowing that one! When me and Brandon got in bed, he asked me, "What did you do while I was gone? Did the ornaments take longer than planned?" What could I say? I literally forgot about baths because I was watching TV!! I had to be honest on that. Well, we have night 2 tonight. I won't even sit down in front of the TV tonight! :P

So glad it's Monday!

I love the holidays! I love the family getting together to hang-out, cook, eat...just be together. I have been off work since last Wednesday. And let me tell ya, I stuffed myself like crazy over the last 5 days! LOL I'm starting my diet back up this morning. Wish me well on that one! I'll do it again until Christmas then mess up again. Oh well. That's life. We took the boys to have their picture taken with Santa. Then to a Christmas tree lighting and for a carriage ride. It was a really neat deal. The boys loved it! Me and Brandon enjoyed it ourselves. It was pretty cold that evening so the boys have a little cough now. Aww, the joys of the holidays! Anyways, it was pretty cold all weekend and I didn't want the boys outside any more than necessary. So that meant no playing in the backyard. Boy, they were like madmen having to be cooped up in the house all weekend. Brandon and his mom had to take Britt to the airport yesterday so that left me alone with the boys....HOLY COW! I was never more happy to see Daddy than last night! Whew, that was a LONG few hours! But, it's all over now and the boys are back in school this morning. When I went to bed last night, I kept thinking to myself how happy I was that today was Monday! LOL I love the holidays, but there is always that chance of having too much of a good thing. I'm glad I'm back at work today! :)

Okay, I'm back for Day 2! LOL Tomorrow's Thanksgiving and I'm super excited about that! I love Thanksgiving....one of my favorite holidays. My baby sister-n-law is flying in tonight so that's uplifting. Yet for all my excitement, I still feel this pain in my heart for those that I won't get to spend the day with. My sister-n-law, Sumer, is in Iraq. I sure miss her too. I get to talk to her alot though. And I'm so thankful for that. She's got her first "mission" today and I'm a little worried, but she's stoked and ready to go so that helps me feel better too. I hope that all goes well for her. I love you, Sumer. I'm praying for you. I miss my baby brother, Dallas, too. He's in his hometown. He had to go away for some time and he returned home in June. I got to spend alot of good time with him then. I haven't seen him and I've barely talked to him since August. I have this ache in my heart to be close to him and get to see him everyday. It's just not possible right now. I love you, Dallas. And I am hoping for the best for you....although I'm sure a happy ending is not in the cards this time. Everyone has to take their own path in life. And those paths don't always lead us to greener pastures. Life isn't always fair. But, on with the better things! The most important thing for me is that me, Brandon, Brae, and Brax will all be together for Turkey Day! This is mine and Brandon's 7th Thanksgiving together! Wow, how time flies! It's nice to be able to say that. And, of course, my mother-n-law, Sonya, will be there too. Thank goodness for her this year! LOL She's gonna do all the cooking. I am not a great cook. She's awesome! So, I'll stay in the kitchen and help her along the way. As long as nothing major is put into my hands, everything will turn out perfect! LOL The boys are super excited about being out of school for 2 extra days. Brae kept saying this morning, "No school til Monday!" And Brax would try but it came out something like, "No tool to Money!" LOL He tries to repeat everything. It's quite comical. I'm positive that I have to be one of the lucky ones in life. I have everything. A great husband, 2 beautiful boys, a pretty cool mother-n-law, a gorgeous new house, loving family, great friends, good job. What more could I ask for? If there were 2 things I would want it would be for Sumer to be home and Dallas to be back in my life. I miss you two. And I love you both soooo much. You are both missed. Happy one day til Thanksgiving.....
draft

First Day

I've been wanting to try this blogging thing for a while now. I got interested when I read Leigh Anne's, Melissa's, and Cara's. I thought, "Wow, I think I could do that!" LOL So, I'll give it a try.....

I'm not really sure how to start off. Maybe I should give you a little background on my family.

I've been married to Brandon for 6 years. What a man! He can still make me weak in the knees sometimes and so frustrated that I wanna slug him at other times! LOL I love him alot. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for that man. He gave me the 2 best gifts. We have 2 sons, Braeden and Braxton, ages 5 and 2. They are amazing. And I truly believe that they have to be some of the most hardheaded and stubborn children I have ever laid eyes on! They will go to great lengths to prove you wrong or to do the exact opposite of what you asked them to do! LOL They surely keep us on our toes! Brandon works for an engineering company fulltime and I'm a fulltime x-ray tech. Braeden is in Pre-K and Braxton goes to daycare (or dayschool is what we like to call it!). We just moved into a gorgeous 3 bedroom house from a tiny, cramped 2 bedroom apartment. What a difference that's been! It's really nice to have a backyard where the boys can run, jump, and romp instead of being inside all the time. About a month ago, we had a nice "suprise" in our life. We decided to have Brandon's mother move in with us. She was having some hard times and Brandon wanted to help her. So, without hesitation, we moved her here and she's living with us now. It can be stressful at times, but all in all, we are making the best of it. And it's nice having someone who's already done all this "mothering stuff" before so that I can go to her for advice on everything from cooking to discipline. And we need LOTS of info on discipline! LOL Don't get me wrong....the boys are great!! They are just certainly very comfortable expressing their own opinions! Who knew 2 and 5 yr. olds even had their own opinions!