A Letter

My Dearest,

You won't ever read this. You'll probably never even get the chance. I have to write it anyways. I have so much in my head and heart right now. I have to get it out or I'm going to explode. Why? Why did you go back to the ONE thing that was your weakness? You do not have control of it. It has control of you. It always has. Damn, why didn't you ever see that? We all saw it. We all understood it completely. What was so hard about you understanding it? I want to punch you in the face. I want to scream at you until my throat hurts. But more than anything, I want to hug you. I am guessing that you'll be gone for 10 or 15 years this time. Damnit, what were you thinking? WHAT? How could that lifestyle be so great that you'd risk losing everything for the 2nd time? I know that I should be thankful. You could be dead. Someone could've shot you over something stupid. You could've done too much. I should be thankful. I should be greatful that I will still have your letters to look forward to and that I can write you whenever I get the urge. If you were dead, I wouldn't be able to do that, would I? I can't lie. I don't feel that thankful. I don't feel too much of anything right now except anger and rage and disappointment. You could've done anything. You know that right? You had the support and love of your family. You have an awesome son. What about your son? What do we tell him now? He has enjoyed having his daddy in his life these last few months. Now what? How do we tell him the daddy won't be here for Christmas? Or for his next birthday for probably 10 years? Damn, do you even realize he'll be out of high school before you come home? You are going to miss EVERYTHING he does. His football, basketball, prom, girlfriends, first car. Oh, I just want to slap your face. I want to shake you until you understand. But, I don't even think that's going to make you see the big picture. You didn't have a dad. How did you feel about that? I never had a mom. And when I had kids, the one thing I promised myself was to be the mom I never had. You should've thought about that. You should've thought about the fact that your actions were going to affect so many more people than YOU. It's not always about YOU. It's about your son. It's about your sister, your grandmother, your aunt, your cousins, your family. Remember those people that cried for you, wrote you letters and cards, and came to see you on the weekends? Remember? IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. I haven't seen you since August 2nd. I miss you. I've been missing you for 4 months now. I knew. I knew exactly what was wrong with you. When I did call you, all you did was tell me another lie about how "great" things were going. How you were working when you really weren't. How your life was grand. I knew it wasn't. I'm your sister. I can tell. I knew. You couldn't lie worth a crap when we were younger and you still can't. I sent you those texts begging you to just stop and walk away. You always replied, "Stop What, Sis?" Damnit. Why didn't you just stop? Things could've been different. But, what's done is done. I know there's no use in crying over spilled milk. I know that you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. You can't make someone a better person. I already know all this. However, that sure doesn't make my heart feel better. That doesn't take away this anger or sadness. My head is pounding. I will have to talk to your son's mother. She needs to get him prepared. Prepared?! Yeah, right. How do you prepare a 7 year old for something like this? Especially when that 7 year old worships the very ground his daddy walks on. I have to help him. I will be the best aunt in the world. And no, that won't take the place of his father. Nobody could ever replace "daddy." But, maybe that'll help him just a little bit. I love you. I have never stopped loving you. And as angry as I am right now, I still want to hug you. I want to tell you bye. I can't. I won't be able to hug you for many years. I guess this is just one of life's injustices. I should go. I have ranted and raved for long enough. Keep your head up. I love you.